Position: Proprietor, Editor-in-Chief
Dan may be the most visible member of Space-Biff!… well, scratch that. Wee Aquinas is more visible, being on the masthead and all. But Dan is the one who writes the words, so if you stick around for longer than it takes to look at the pictures, chances are you’ll be forced to read his brain-spew at some point.
Dan was born sometime in the ’80s, and he’s been here ever since. He was one of the initial three dreamers who came up with the idea of writing a semi-regular blog about whatever the hell he feels like. Odds are, he feels like PC or board games, though he constantly insists that his interests also include movies, local politics, and marching band. He wrote an article on the marching band once, but it was deleted from the drafts folder before it could be published, and Dan was so devastated that his “masterpiece” had been discarded that he never tried to replicate it. He knows that the mad deleter is one of the other SB! staff members, but he can’t be certain who. Maybe you’ll solve the mystery, here, today. Probably not though.
Position: Assassin, Moral Support, PR
Somerset has been wandering the globe since she became enamored at a young age with a geography television program for children. She’s led a tough life on the streets, and has become well-acquainted with the depths an unaccompanied girl must plumb in order to survive. She met Dan while working as a gun for hire, being employed to drive out a local D&D group with her dual Sig Sauer P229s and her barbed wit. After the rest of the group had succumbed to .40-caliber rounds and hobbit jokes, only Dan remained. The two have been together since. Some say as lovers. Those some are correct, if crass.
Somerset now handles SB!’s robust Public Relations Department, using her radical new marketing doctrines to persuade critics that Space-Biff! is the best blog on the internet.
Position: The Money, Regular Podcast Contributor
Charlie Chaplin holds many distinctions, least of which are his funding of Space-Biff!’s early WordPress fees, and being the inspiration for the Lucius DeBeers character in the game Deus Ex, owing to Mr Chaplin’s revolutionary cryo-suspension technology, which has allowed him to survive (if slowly) since he faked his death in his Swiss mansion in 1977.
Mr Chaplin stays in touch with a new generation by going as “The Chap,” which nearly everybody at the office forgets with regularity. These days, The Chap’s main contribution to Space-Biff!, besides massive amounts of money, is his segment on the twice-monthly Space-Biff! Space-Cast! podcast, during which he delivers the heartrending speech from The Great Dictator and wiggles his mustache, much to the delight of everyone in the recording booth.
Position: Picture Editor
Adam and Dan have been friends since the third grade, and have had many ordinary adventures together that are not interesting enough to recount here. Adam requested that we mention that in the sixth grade, Dan spat on him while they were on the swings, which led to Adam slipping and breaking his leg. It never fully healed. Dan makes up for this incident by giving Adam some pro bono picture editing work now and then.
If you see a picture that seems convincing, Adam’s probably the one who worked on it. Anything sloppy is the work of someone else.
Position: Comments for Hire
Wedge (not his real name, but he couldn’t be located for a statement) can often be seen darting in and out of comments threads, leaving acerbic nuggets in his wake. The truth is, he’s a Professional Commenter, exchanging blog comments for Steam games and all the tins of tuna he can carry without the aid of a rucksack. He works by referral only.
Wedge enjoys art museums, especially those with a robust collection of Dada. He’s allergic to certain kinds of shellfish, is a toastmaster, and lives in an improbable San Francisco penthouse, though he isn’t much a fan of the San Fran area.
Position: Podcast Sound Editor, Commenter of the Month — 11 months and counting
Born in 1970s England with a smile on his lips and a disco beat in his ventricles, J.B. was a natural fit for the position of Space-Biff! Space-Cast! podcast sound engineer. His mother is one of the podcast’s two European listeners, and she’s very proud of him. When the podcast became unaccountably popular in Hungary, J.B. disappeared into the seedy underbelly of Prague for two months, only to reappear at peace with his fame, and sporting a revitalized fashion sense and a heightened distaste for Dubstep.
J.B. is also the bane of Professional Commenters everywhere, holding the title of Space-Biff! Commenter of the Month!, which he has held for 11 consecutive months. He has been living off of The Chap’s grant money, and his current life goal is to ensure that nobody else figures out that commenting brings great rewards.
Once upon a time, there was an influential scholar and theologian named Thomas Aquinas, who had a considerable impact on the development of Western Philosophy, as well as being a frustrating hit with the ladies, who cursed his vows of celibacy. Wee Aquinas bears no relation to that Aquinas, and spends much of his time browsing the internet for tips on how to change his legal name. Also, he’d like to drop the diminutive “Wee,” but his friends have informed him that if he does, they won’t be able to keep all the Aquinases straight.
Wee Aquinas is proud to be the mascot of Space-Biff!, adorning the masthead and Dan’s super-expensive business cards that he uses solely for entering contests at smoothie establishments and dropping on the street in hopes of picking up more subscribers. Still, Wee Aquinas yearns for acknowledgement of the man behind the mascot. For instance, he loves [word count reached].
Position: Guest Writer, Not White
Lee Everett recently starred in The Walking Dead from Telltale Games, and became fast friends with Dan when Dan chose to save the hot girl instead of the nerd, which Lee really appreciated because he thinks he might have a shot. In exchange, Lee agreed to write a series of articles entitled “The Walking Dad,” which would feature his thoughts on his starring role.
None of the other SB! staff are convinced that Lee is an actual person, but Dan insists that he’s completely real. J.B. also claims to have met Lee, though that was years ago.
Position: Lead Canceller, Procrastinator-in-Chief
You probably know Mark Wahlberg for The Basketball Diaries, or for his lauded role in Good Will Hunting, in which buckets of makeup and Industrial Light & Magic transformed him into a therapist with a heart of gold who helped Matt Damon realize that he should use his genius for good. That’s the outward side of Marky Mark. The part you don’t see is the sensitive side, which is tender and caring and full of curiosity at the wide world that surrounds us all.
Years ago, Dan, Mark, and The Chap had a dream: to use The Chap’s expansive wealth to fund either a chicken fingers stand in Barbados or a WordPress blog. Dan won the coin toss, and Mark has been an honorary member of Space-Biff! ever since. Most of the time, he can be seen RSVPing to SB! parties, soirees, and LAN parties, then failing to attend. His estrangement from the other staff members has led to an unconscionable amount of drama. Come back, Mark. We love you.